Stronger Than This
by HammersNStrings
Summary: Nymphadora Tonks entered her bedroom. Alone, miserable, and dead to the world, the one thing she cared about had disappeared, and she didn't know if she could make it. How could one person have such a hold on her?


**Author's Note:** Meh, don't know what brought on the emo feeling, but I think this is more about being able to pick up the pieces rather than just letting yourself fall into despair. Things always get better, and even if the sun is setting, it just means that a new day is coming.

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><p><strong>Stronger<strong>

She was stronger than this. Tears prickled at the corners of her eyes, forcing her to jab her fingers into the sockets in an attempt to feel any sort of soothing. Her hair, once pink and vibrant, now sat wherever it may fall in a deep chestnut color. With a great sigh, she threw her wand down onto her nightstand and collapsed onto her double bed and wrapped her arms around the nearest pillow.

She finally allowed the tears to flow down her cheeks and into the pillow. What little comfort she got from this release was quickly negated by the smell. His smell. Of course she gravitated toward his pillow. She needed _him_. But he was off on official business from Dumbledore, and no matter how much she tried to rationalize it in her mind, the fact was that he was gone, and she didn't know if or when he would be back.

With an aggravated grunt, she sat up, still clutching the pillow tightly in her arms. If this was the closest she could get to him, she would just have to make do. She was stronger than this. And yet, no matter how many years of training, no matter how much success she had in concealing her emotions, this was different. She knew it was dangerous to let him in, and yet, she couldn't help herself. And slowly, he became the one person she needed in her life. His smile, his eyes… they were like the crescendo of a song that resonated deep within her heart. Now, it had faded, but as she clutched her pillow, she prayed that her song kept playing, no matter how softly.

But no, she was stronger than this. He's just a man… a man whose touch could make her feel like she was the only thing in the world that mattered to him. But now he could be anywhere. He could be hurt, he could be alone, he could be d-… no. She had to force herself to think of something else.

While clutching that damned pillow in her fingers, she tried to think of something else. She thought of her family, of her years at Hogwarts, of her Auror training. But in every thought, he appeared. His sandy brown hair teased her. His steel grey eyes gleamed at her from just beyond her mind's reach.

Why couldn't she get him out of her mind? She pressed the pillow up to her mouth and let out the loudest frustrated shriek she could muster. It was all his fault. A scribbled note one morning with a cup of tea was all the notice he gave her, and then he was just gone. And for what? For his Gryffindor complex of needing to be brave and doing all the self-sacrificing loyal crap? Why couldn't he see that she _needed_ him?

Her eyes bolted open. She removed the pillow from her face. Understanding began to wash over her body. She never wanted to admit it to herself. She was an independent witch, and was damn good at it, but this man had some sort of power over her that she'd allowed him. And now… she needed him. If only she could talk to him. If only she could see his smiling face one more time, just so he could know. She needed to let him know.

Maybe she wasn't stronger than this after all. She took a deep breath and once again brushed the tears from her eyes. No… no, she definitely was. So she needed him… but she could live without him. Even if it meant taking every day one step at a time, she could do this. One foot after the other, one moment into one day, until he came back home. That would be her mantra. Because even though she needed him so, she would not let him consume her life.

With one last hug, she set the pillow back down on her bed, pocketing her wand and taking another deep, cleansing breath. She reached into her nightstand and pulled out a roll of parchment and a quill, then moved out of her bedroom and into the kitchen table.

She sat down and frowned at the parchment, then began to write.

_Remus,_

_I can't wait to see _

_I nee_

_I hope you're safe. I miss you so much, and all I can hope is that you come back from wherever you are soon. I just need you to know that you mean so much to me. I know you're trying to protect me, but you being away is a pain I've never experienced before. I just want you back and in one piece. It'd be nice to be able to hug you instead of one of my pillows. Please come home soon._

_Love,_

_Dora_

She sighed and rolled up the parchment, then walked over to the windowsill, smiling at her owl, Aphrodite. She gently attached the letter and whispered, "Please find him…" The owl hooted softly and gently nipped her fingers, then set out. She watched as Aphrodite became smaller and smaller in the sunset, until the owl finally faded from view.

She looked out at the darkening sky, instinctively looking for the moon. She saw that it was the half moon, so at least he wasn't suffering tonight. Maybe he was thinking about her… But until she knew for sure, it would be one foot in front of the other, one moment at a time.

She was stronger than this. Now it was just time to prove that, even if it was just to herself.

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><p><strong>Postscript: <strong>So there you have it. Was originally going to write more, but I think this is a perfect way to end it. Though it's clear that she needs Remus, Tonks couldn't let herself get consumed by sorrow. To all of those with lonely hearts, it will always get better in time. One foot in front of the other, one moment at a time. Never give up.

Peace and love,  
>HnS<p> 


End file.
